Certain Kold, VERY Kold jokes.
lolx, i'm a little stressed now, and i found this somewhere on the net. 22 lame and very cold jokes for u ppl to start freezing...hav fun...brrrrr...
1) What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk..
2) Why was the tomato blushing? Cos he saw the salad dressing..
3) A mum, dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"
4)A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knake Patty Whac give the frog a loan".
5) What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name..
6) Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
7) "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
8) What does Beethoven do now that he is dead? He decomposes.
9)What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag
10)There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news?" The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."
11) Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"
12) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick
13) What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
14)Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know, Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"
15) Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
16) A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots a load of penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat? "The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue. "The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo.""Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car and are all wearing sun glasses. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.""Oh, I did," says the driver, "Today I am taking them to the beach.
17) Person: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Person: What problem?
18)There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps; suddenly a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
19) A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
20) A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
21) An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that. "She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. "With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
22)During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
P.S. work hard for P.O.P. 2006!
1) What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk..
2) Why was the tomato blushing? Cos he saw the salad dressing..
3) A mum, dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"
4)A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knake Patty Whac give the frog a loan".
5) What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name..
6) Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
7) "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
8) What does Beethoven do now that he is dead? He decomposes.
9)What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag
10)There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news?" The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."
11) Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"
12) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick
13) What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
14)Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know, Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"
15) Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
16) A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots a load of penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat? "The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue. "The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo.""Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car and are all wearing sun glasses. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.""Oh, I did," says the driver, "Today I am taking them to the beach.
17) Person: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Person: What problem?
18)There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps; suddenly a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
19) A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
20) A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
21) An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that. "She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. "With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
22)During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
P.S. work hard for P.O.P. 2006!
posted by Terrence Wong at Saturday, July 22, 2006
